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I am a cranky mess and feeling a great deal of aggression, but I will try to keep the tone out of my writing. :deep breath: As I age (32 for those of you wondering), I begin to mellow but I traditionally have a very strong personality. I’m not physically agressive – though I love aggressive sports like kickboxing – but better than though, opinionated, and always right. Well, don’t I sound like a nightmare? I’m not really that bad. Well, I don’t think so anyway. Anyway, I regress. I’ve been trying to stay away from the nuts and, more unsuccessfully, the milk. It isn’t working completely, but I can keep myself from binging. I can stay away from them both during the day, but evening is my downfall. Tonight, I stirred some cinnamon and curry powder into my almond butter (oh yeah, it was pretty yummy) and had two glasses of raw milk. Now I sit here with swollen fingers and aching finger joints (usual symptoms), but I’ve now added chest tightness, slight anxiety, adrenaline, and my thoughts have an aggressive bent to them. Yeah, that’s a definite sign. I have been toying with the idea that the milk is giving me a bit of a healing crisis. I’m not sure if it’s a true intolerance and/or only an intolerance, but I really struggle with the raw milk being so bad if it’s so darn healing. I know the science behind it, but instinct tells me it’s doing good things for me…that tells me I must be confused or bi-polar about milk. I think I’m going to have to yogurt most of it, because I hear a distinct “ahhhhhh” like singing angels when I open the fridge and see those lovely glass bottles staring at me. I can’t get rid of them completely as we’re on a cow share and the raw dairy is doing wonders for my husband as his body heals from diabetes. Hmm, maybe there’s some transference going on. Whatever it is, I have to conquer it NOW. The slight chest tightness is the immediate catalyst. Though I did have a lot of cinnamon and the curry powder was a first since GAPS. Argh! – closing that door – I’ll stick with the items that I know have been bothering me. The worst part? It gets easier and easier every day to visualize the sweets I crave and turn them down. After all that progress, why can’t I just have a glass of freakin’ milk? %$#&^* Oops. Forgot to take a deep breath. :deep breath:

Here are some observations and revelations I’ve been carefully observing and/or working through the past few days:

  • aggressive feelings about restriction of desired food; want to keep that away from family and attempting to use alternate coping mechanisms (a bumbling attempt at a crocheting skill from childhood with good grandma memories attached and classical music are helping so far)
  • battle of wills is VERY difficult when I’m battling me, myself, and I and heightens previous bullet-pointed issue
  • not eating enough; have the ingrained belief that food portions should be certain sizes causing me to short change myself and give Katie the lion’s share, ex. one cucumber/daikon/avocado for two people though we may have a few in the house; one chicken breast or thigh is a serving, etc. (I have no idea where this one came from and am completely stunned and stumped. What a weird thing for me to have an issue with.)
  • based on the warmer weather, I prefer milk and eggs to meat most days; normal, instinctual seasonal eating patterns I think
  • fatigue increasing post-meals; each day gets worse in that I have the most energy in the morning before I eat, and once I eat – very late morning now -, I turn into a slug and would almost nap each time if I had the luxury
  • I believe my cravings that seem to be insurmountable are during increased die off times; reasons to stand as mine are later evening after I’ve been sticking with the diet all day; the beasties are hungry!
  • I’d rather go without eating than eat my allowed foods most of the time, then I’m starving and reach for the milk and nuts; I did eat well and increased the level of fats today but I reached for the milk and nut butter though I had chicken in broth and soup warm on the stove; I thought to turn on some classical music to help test if it would help my ride out the craving, but that was after it was already prepared and ready to be happily, if guiltily, consumed
  • sunshine and nice spring days did wonders for my mood and the cravings the last couple of days, though I’m just as happy to spend a rainy day indoors on occasion
  • more frequent and lengthy water-only baths have helped Katie deal with her reactions to what she’s eaten lately; thanks Baden for mentioning your son’s three hour baths!
  • Katie’s eczema patch/rash that has recently taken residence on the right side of her lower back was worse than I’ve ever seen her skin mid-morning. I slathered a thick layer of raw shea butter (only thing we use for lotion, cuts, burns, rashes, etc) on it 3 times over a couple of hours, and put her amber and hazelwood necklaces back on that were left off at her request after bathtime last night; It was soon back to what it has been the last few days albeit a little more red.
  • the last 2/3 days of extra gassiness and slightly bloated belly for miss Katie are gone after removing most raw foods from her diet and adding in more broth/soups; frozen peas are now on the no-no list. Poor baby’s list of allowable foods keeps shrinking. I may try to do full intro again soon and supplement mine with non-intro foods after her bedtime until I can conquer the intolerance to all of the animal products and overcooked veggies.

One last random thought to spew from my spinning mind is that Katie trialed one drop of egg yolk in chicken broth. This was of course, right before she pointed out that her back was bumpy. I’m not sure how I feel about continuing that right now, especially considering that her sleep has been so off again lately.

Well, this is a spewing forth of random thoughts and a rant and a half that I would rather not post. Thanks to my fellow GAPS ladies who are so refreshingly honest, I will do so anyway!

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